WARNING for all humor-impaired readers: This is not REAL news...
(The SPIEGEL ONLINE spacecraft orbits the planet...the entire staff has been frozen in a cryogenic shell ever since Bush's election victory...)
High above Germany...
SPON Editor: (awakening from orbital hibernation) Underling…AWAKEN! It is election time once again! Prepare to re-enter the
atmosphere…we must return to mission control and fire-up the “LESER” for the Endkampf…
SPON Underling: (cowering in fear) Yes Master!
(SPON orbiter re-enters atmosphere and descends to the Hamburger lair...)
Back on Earth at Mission Control in Hamburg...
SPON Editor: Bush and Blair already won re-election forcing
us into a temporary state of orbital deep freeze. The SPD’s repeated losses
furthered the cooling process...But now we are back!…and we can’t see Schroeder
go down in humiliation…we must fight to the bitter end at all costs! Our
“LESER” must not fail us! Prepare the “LESER” for the election campaign immediately!
SPON Underling: Yes Master! But Master…Schroeder is still far behind in the polls…massive domestic problems…our attempts to make him look better are having little effect…
SPON Editor: SILENCE! (smashing fist violently) Very well. Then we will have to break out our secret weapon…the “Election-Shocker”! Prepare to charge-up the “LESER” with the “Election-Shocker”!
SPON Underling: But Master…the “Election-Shocker” has failed us many times before…none of the comebacks we predicted in past elections ever materialized…
Election Time at SPON's Hamburger Lair: Prepare the "LESER" with the "Election-Shocker"...
SPON Editor: Fool! (raising fist) What choice do we have? The “Election-Shocker” is our final option...the CDU's lead is still too great. The “LESER” won’t respond to simple spinning…prepare an article on Schroeder’s miracle comeback at once! Find the necessary “experts” to back it all up…and run the SPD's campaign ads at full power...NOW!
SPON Underling: As you wish Master! (begins to scurry away)
SPON Editor: (shouting) HALT! (returns to normal domineering voice) Underling…make sure we have maximum posts on Merkel’s image problem and rapidly melting lead. Be sure to use the word "MASSIVE" when you talk about three point gains at the polls for the SPD! That is sure to make the “LESER” even hotter. And don’t forget…if you can link Merkel to Bush or other American conservatives…DO IT! We’ve been targeting them with the “LESER” for years now and their image is in a shambles…that is certain to bring us the desired results…
SPON Underling: Brilliant Master!
SPON Editor: "Don't worry Mr. Bigglesworth...Schroeder might still win..."
SPON Editor: Oh yes, one last thing...if Schroeder wins the election my dear Underling you will be promoted to become our next “Amerika Korrespondent”. Number Two Pitzke hasn’t written anything good in months…don’t repeat his incompetence…NOW GO!
SPON Underling: Yes Master!
While you are making fun of Spiegel - take a look at this:
http://www.spiegel.de/politik/deutschland/0,1518,373528,00.html
I can see a Grand Coalition ahead - Yai !!
That will provide us with even better inner security plus even less tolerance against troubling minorities and criminals. And not to forget: Such a dominant political majority would enable the government to even more advance German interests in foreign politics :)
I would so love to see the same political stability in germany like it is in bavaria for decades!
Maybe I m a little euphoric now - but that news made me cheer in happiness :D
Posted by: Zyme | September 07, 2005 at 04:23 PM
Gerhard's cohort in crime, Jacko's not so well off at this point in time, what's Gerhard going to do?
Posted by: grlzjustwant2havefun | September 07, 2005 at 11:28 PM
You seem to be concerned that Schroeder might win the elections...
In case you are hoping that there will be less Bush bashing if Merkel wins, check out, what a CDU minister of one of the German states said:
Mr. Renner said that Bush should be "shot" because of his handling of the Katarina crisis. He added that in German no politician would politically survive. He said he meant "shot" in a political sense. He apologized later on, but still...
http://www.spiegel.de/politik/deutschland/0,1518,373611,00.html
I guess, you still got plenty to write if Merkel wins...
My "theory" has been that you are campaigning for Schroeder's defeat, so that there will be less Bush bashing in Germany and you would not need to work so hard on this blog day and night, but get more of a chance to hang out and relax ;-)
(Yes, yes, I know, you have been critical of the CDU and the FDP as well and don't like them very much either.)
Posted by: Atlanticus | September 08, 2005 at 12:03 AM
@ Atlanticus:
When in german language someone says that another one "deserves to be shot" that isnt quite as harsh as it sounds in english language, such expressions are made very lightly in german.
For example when I visited my parents recently, i also met their 80-year-old neighbour. And when he was talking about german politics, he complained about Schroeders policy and german politicians in general by saying "they all deserve to be put in the gas chamber - all together!"
In german it would be "dafür gehört er sich doch erschossen" and "vergast gehören sich die - alle miteinander!"
So such expressions really sound less harsh in german..
Posted by: Zyme | September 08, 2005 at 01:30 AM
@ Atlanticus:
"My "theory" has been that you are campaigning for Schroeder's defeat, so that there will be less Bush bashing in Germany and you would not need to work so hard on this blog day and night, but get more of a chance to hang out and relax ;-)"
Nice theory. I wish. I don't think a CDU victory would fundamentally alter media attitudes towards the US nor would it greatly change fundamental attitudes in the German populace. And that is really what this site is about. So I expect we will be busy regardless of the election's outcome.
Posted by: RayD | September 08, 2005 at 02:56 AM
Interesting how french the Germans are becoming.
Posted by: joe | September 08, 2005 at 07:45 AM
Zyme: "i also met their 80-year-old neighbour. And when he was talking about german politics, he complained about Schroeders policy and german politicians in general by saying "they all deserve to be put in the gas chamber - all together!"
Aw, that's all right Zyme. We might be slow but we know a good knee-slapper when we see one. By the way, did these 80 year olds also have a few of them there slaves back in the war years, like your folks did? Gee, I bet those foreigners got cracking over those chores when the old "vergast gehören sich die - alle miteinander!" joke was thrown around! No wonder Germans are famous for their sense of humor!
Posted by: SeanM | September 08, 2005 at 02:55 PM
@ SeanM
Uhhh - cool down will ya?
I didnt say that these expressions are jokes, ok? They just dont sound THIS serious in german as they sound in english allright?
Posted by: Zyme | September 08, 2005 at 09:34 PM
A tour de force parody of the MSM in Germany and the US.
Posted by: Sock Puppet of Doom | September 08, 2005 at 11:48 PM
"Du gehörst erschossen" oder umgangssprachlicher "Du gehörst an die Wand gestellt" hat die selbe Bedeutung wie "Fuck up".
Der Begriff der "Gaskammer" wird aus historischen Gründen nur noch von sehr rechtsorientierten Leuten benutzt.
Posted by: Mathesar | September 09, 2005 at 12:23 PM
@zyme ... you said...
In german it would be "dafür gehört er sich doch erschossen" and "vergast gehören sich die - alle miteinander!"
So such expressions really sound less harsh in german..
@zyme..
probably sound less harsh because they have been used quite a bit more frequently in Germany than anywhere else..
the more you hear something the less it schocks..
and I am sure THOSE two phrases have been thrown around ALOT in Germany.. say from 1939-1945
Zyme you are really a piece of work.
Posted by: amiexpat | September 11, 2005 at 06:03 PM
@ arniexpat
a "piece of work" ? Sorry, I m not familiar with this expression..
*?*
Posted by: Zyme | September 12, 2005 at 02:14 PM