No wonder the German economy is making a comeback. Pretty soon Flipper will be pimpin in Berlin. This could open up an entirely new field in Germany's prostitution industry: Dolphin sex slaves. Why not open a dual-use Sea World in Deutschland? Dolphins doing tricks by day and turning tricks by night. The term "dolphin-friendly" just took on a whole new meaning...
Davids Medienkritik is happy to announce two new outstanding additions to the Medienkritik team: Please give a hearty welcome to our new Germany correspondent, journalist and reporter extraordinaire Mark Putzkie (formerly with Der Spargel), and our new Editor-in-Chief for Germany, Andreas Putzhold (formerly with Stur Magazine).
Editor Andreas Putzhold (left) and Correspondent Mark Putzkie (right) in their new Berlin bureau. (file photo)
Here is our plan for the future: Mark and Andy's work will be offered to readers in the United States as purely objective journalism. In reality, however, they will actually seek out all that is wrong, bad, miserable, disgusting, revolting and repulsive about Germany and present it as fair and balanced news to our American audience. Mark and Andy will also pay absolutely no attention to the ideas or opinions of anyone who does not agree with them nor will they make the slightest effort to present a positive view of Germany. Mark has already informed us that he plans to do a three-part series on Neo-Nazi violence followed by a four-part series on the hopelessly unemployed followed by a five-part series on exploding poverty among German children. Andreas hopes to report on the failed recovery of eastern Germany, fat Germans, bulimic Germans, racism, discrimination, child abuse, German trade with extremist states, and the election of extremist groups around Germany.
And get this: Because of our recent merger with FoxNews, the CIA and the Bush administration (aka Halliburton Inc.), Mark and Andy's work will reach millions of Americans and many of them will believe their reporting on Germany to be absolutely fair, accurate and objective! We are sure that both of these outstanding journalists will have a significant impact on the way Americans view Germany and dramatically strengthen transatlantic relations. Welcome aboard gentlemen!
WARNING for all humor-impaired readers: This is not REAL news...
(The SPIEGEL ONLINE spacecraft orbits the planet...the entire staff has been frozen in a cryogenic shell ever since Bush's election victory...)
High above Germany...
SPON Editor: (awakening from orbital hibernation) Underling…AWAKEN! It is election time once again! Prepare to re-enter the
atmosphere…we must return to mission control and fire-up the “LESER” for the Endkampf…
SPON Underling: (cowering in fear) Yes Master!
(SPON orbiter re-enters atmosphere and descends to the Hamburger lair...)
Back on Earth at Mission Control in Hamburg...
SPON Editor: Bush and Blair already won re-election forcing
us into a temporary state of orbital deep freeze. The SPD’s repeated losses
furthered the cooling process...But now we are back!…and we can’t see Schroeder
go down in humiliation…we must fight to the bitter end at all costs! Our
“LESER” must not fail us! Prepare the “LESER” for the election campaign immediately!
SPON Underling: Yes Master! But Master…Schroeder is still
far behind in the polls…massive domestic problems…our
attempts to make him look better are having little effect…
SPON Editor: SILENCE! (smashing fist violently)
Very well. Then we will have to break out our secret weapon…the
“Election-Shocker”! Prepare to charge-up the “LESER” with the
Election Time at SPON's Hamburger Lair: Prepare the "LESER" with the "Election-Shocker"...
SPON Editor: Fool! (raising fist) What choice do we
have? The “Election-Shocker” is our final option...the CDU's lead is still too great. The “LESER” won’t respond to
simple spinning…prepare an article on Schroeder’s miracle comeback at once! Find
the necessary “experts” to back it all up…and run the SPD's campaign ads at full power...NOW!
SPON Underling: As you wish Master! (begins to scurry
SPON Editor: Oh yes, one last thing...if Schroeder wins the
election my dear Underling you will be promoted to become our next “Amerika
Korrespondent”. Number Two Pitzke hasn’t written anything good in months…don’t
repeat his incompetence…NOW GO!
Bush Announces Iraq Exit Strategy: 'We'll Go Through Iran'
WASHINGTON, DC—Almost a year after the cessation of major combat and a month after the nation's first free democratic elections, President Bush unveiled the coalition forces' strategy for exiting Iraq.
"I'm pleased to announce that the Department of Defense and I have formulated a plan for a speedy withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq," Bush announced Monday morning. "We'll just go through Iran."
Bush said the U.S. Army, which deposed Iran's longtime enemy Saddam Hussein, should be welcomed with open arms by the Islamic-fundamentalist state.
"And Iran's so nearby," Bush said. "It's only a hop, skip, and a jump to the east."
Will the Iranian mullahs fall for it?
And what about German journalists and German politicians?
I'm not yet willing to bet the farm on it, but I'd not be surprised to hear some Green party politicians producing alarmist noises...