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Old but good...

Office of the Secretary of Defense
The Pentagon
Washington, D.C.

Dear Mr. Kosslick:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of people like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections, in conjunction with the Red Cross, to ensure that your care for Ahmed is commensurate with international standards and those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is sociopathic, extremely violent, and was trying to kill at least 20 women and children as we captured him, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. I might add that he will bite you, or worse, given the chance.

However, perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka - over time. Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching

Good Luck!

David Smith
Special Assistant to Donald Rumsfeld

To be fair to Herr Kosslick - the Gitmo detainee's only want to murder jews and American's as far as he knows

And as such - aren't actually a danger to anyone he cares about

January has been Propaganda 101 month here at Medienkritik. I hope all the “objective critics” out there have been watching. If so, it might have dawned on them that there really is a difference between honest criticism from those who wish America well, and the ideologically motivated propaganda of hate addicts like Kosslick. You have to hand it to the Kosslicks of the world. As stooges, they can’t be beat. They are simultaneously the most effective collaborators of both the apologists for torture and their Islamofascist “enemies.” It must be heartwarming to know you’re contributing so much to humanity.

I’m still waiting for the lefties to ‘Free Tibet.’ Is it because it’s winter, or is there an interlude for film festivals? Anyone heard anything on the spring offensive?

I was looking through a lefty magazine and I didn’t see any fund razing ads for “Chad, fighting against the PRC for Tibet. And he needs money”. I don’t know, Tibet seems so perfect for lefties. Lots of shots of young model types in snazzy mountaineering gear, may be hotties with boots, tanned legs, shorts, cool sunglasses and a surface to air missile. Young men with beard stubble in the mountains. Those cute sherpa people that never say anything, but are kind of like, what was that planet form Star Wars with the little furry people? Not to mention R and R in India or Thailand with beach scenes and partner swapping sex. It would make a great movie, not to mention freeing those Tibet people and all. I just can’t figure out why the world wide chic lefties haven’t taken on Chinese mechanized divisions. Maybe 2007 will be Tibet’s year.

That the festival also wants to satisfy a demand for the political was also important to Kosslick...

It occurs to me, reading this, that for many people "political" now means having to do with America-bashing. It's eaten out much of the political impulse on the European left and left this... this hateful gabble... in its place.

@Carl Spackler - It seems as if even the Dalai Lama himself is not sure whether he is the last one of his kind, but as far as Europe is concerned the answer to your question is the opposite of complicated. Life beats scripts, we don't need actors to get at the archetypes, we have real mountaineers to explain you the Yeti myth. Nobody would need a film ruminating ad nauseam whether Reinhold Messner really abandoned his brother on the Nanga Parbat or whether the story is just a rumor drawn from evil sources.

As for Dieter Kosslick, he placed his bets on Hollywood and will face the wrath of his rivals. It's just like a Paul Hollyer having placed his bets on Kyoto, only the other way round. All your your environmentalists belong to us and all our directors belong to you.

I suspect that Herr Kosslick knows of or even personally knows Salman Rushdie. He knows, at least in the abstract, that it is highly probable that he himself would come under death sentence if he would not repudiate certain portions of works that he has helped bring to the screen.

Herr Kosslick has supreme confidence that he will never have to do such a thing because the militaries that he chides (and worse) will never fail to keep his hide safe, nor fail to ensure the safety of those he loves.

In some ways, this confidence is touching. Washington, DC had the same sort of confidence in "our boys", so much so that Congressional wives went picknicking at Bull Run I along with children while their husbands looked over the battlefield to see the thrashing of the grey coats. Any student of history knows the rest of the story.

I hope that we never get to the point of a headlong retreat and panic. I think it is possible if we mishandle ourselves very badly. The Kosslickian left counts on it with a serene confidence that creates a profound brotherhood with the picnickers of Bull Run. May they never be similarly disturbed by reality.

Wow, this reads like some kind of demented AbFab routine. "Your politics are fahbulous, sweetie! Gin and tonic, gin and tonic!" I'm surprised that Kosslick and Clooney aren't walking around with broken arms from patting themselves on the back.

@jaed: You are correct. It seems that anti-Americanism has shoved aside any real political dialogue in Europe. it has also done so in some segments of society in the U.S. As the old saying goes, you can't wrestle a pig -- it's a pointless exercise, it gets you all covered in mud, and the pig enjoys it.

@FranzisM: I just want to say that I am in awe of your knowledge of history, and your command of the written word. You write in English better than I do, and I consider myself a somewhat-above-average writer. And English isn't you native language, is it?

Nominations for the Academny Awards were announced this morning.

One nominee in the Best Foreign Film category: The Palestinian Liberation Organization for Paradise Now

Where do I hurl?

Pamela,

You don't have to do anything. Hollywood is doing it all for you.

They live in fear right now of having another year like the one they just completed. If they do there is going to be huge shakeout.

But look on the bright side, the french will be happy. We can all watch frog flicks dubbed in English on late night HBO.

I nominate Dieter Kosslick for the Theo Van Gough prise.

@Cousin Dave - Thanks, but you still can see that I was a bit bit tired when I wrote the above comment. My advice would be that learning a new language together with a new field of interest is worth the synergy effects. I like the English language for its capability of ambiguity, since the large number of users has washed away much of the implications which words carry in more insulated languages. But as you can't glue English words together it lacks the feature of my native German tongue to reproduce thought experiments without much rasping.

BTW, as Florian Güßgen complaints about a missing highlight at the festival ("Das ganz große Highlight fehlt"): Maybe it is because the master of the dark side of the cinema lacks the balls to come out with a project featuring the mascot of the religion of but? Where is Lars von Triers film on Mohammed of Arabia?

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